i am heartbroken-graphic

weesiepoo · 02-10-2005, 01:38 AM

i have a hedgie, lua, that has cancer. inoperable, and very ugly looking, but basically unimpairing for the most part. the vet said to just allow her to live her life until her quality of life seem to decline or i felt like it was her time to go. tonight, my friend went to get into my freezer and she started screaming. lua's eye has pushed out of the socket and it was all filthy. i held her, carried her aorund, and she seemed to act as if nothing was wrong so i went to wash off the eye and see why it was bulging. it was after vet closing so i wanted to get a good look so i could relay acurrate info to him. i got her in the nice warm tub and washed her well and she was playing as usual when all this nasty blood and pus started running from her eye globe under the edge of the dirt and then it kind of slid off taking the cornea of her eye with it. the globe of her eye was open and streaming blood and foul smelling pus. it essentially had burst sometime in the day and had scabbed with litterbox dust and the water had loosened the litterbox scab and allowed it to burst free. meanwhile, she acted as if nothing was wrong at all. we called the vet, and he asked how she was. i said she was walking around and chewing on things and acting normal. he said apply pressure to drain it which i did and then i set her on her hedgie liner in order to wash my hands and talk to him and she went on over and began to eat. the entire time we were talking, she acted totally normal. the vet asked if i felt that she was in pain-how she acted. i told him that she was eating and acting fine, buto i was ready to put her to sleep and not let it progress anymore. obviously the tumor has prgressed into her head and cause a secondary pressure and infection behind her eye. he agreed but said i could hold on to her with antibiotics and taking out the eye. i said no. he said for me to bring her in tomorrow a.m. for the crossing and spend tonight with her, saying goodbye. right now, she is snoozing away after a nice dinner of salmon and some cottage cheese and a lick or three of applesauce.

her eye looks horrible and i feel sick to my stomach. it is all my fault that it has gone this far because i wanted to have her in my life as long as i could instead of just helping her pass when we knew her tumor was inoperable. but then i remind myself that she had so much life in her and she was eating and playing and still loving in her hedgie way. these two sides of me are tearing me apart. i really do not know wether to damn myself or to be glad i gave her the last few months of love and special dinners and silly toys or what to think. i feel lost. it has been many many years since i have had to go through this, this helping an animal to cross. i am afraid. and sad. a feeling very very alone.

lua had a hard hard life and i want her to have a soft easy death, and i fear i waited too long. i should not have waited so long. she does not act like she is suffering, but how can she not be? i waited too long.

Solarsis · 02-10-2005, 01:54 AM

You did what you thought was best weesie. You can't blame yourself for that.

I've been faced with helping an animal pass and I share your pain. I hope things go as well as they can tomorrow. (all things considering) I will be thinking of you and little lua.

Ninja · 02-10-2005, 03:51 AM

Huge hugs. This is nothing you did wrong. You gave her a good quality life.
Take the time with her you need but remember that you will meet again.

Brandy · 02-10-2005, 07:19 AM

oh Angela, ,,,I'm so sorry

sha3472 · 02-10-2005, 08:17 AM

Thats so sad but no matter what you think you did good you gave your friend the love and attention and the time together in the end it hurts but they never really leave you they are always in your heart.

pamm013 · 02-10-2005, 08:59 AM

Im so sorry to hear what is happening.. dont blame yourself... I too would have done the same thing..

Denise · 02-10-2005, 10:14 AM

Angela, I am very sorry.

It is never easy to determine when we should put our beloved pets to sleep. It is especially difficult when the animal is enjoying life. You are not to blame Angela. You made Lua's life very comfortable and gave her a great life.

Candycane · 02-10-2005, 10:31 AM

It is natural for you to want to hang on to her until the bitter end. But the unselfish decision is to let her go. I don't think that you waited too long. All the love and happiness that she's had in the last couple months have kept her from suffering. Good luck today. I'll be thinking of you...and we'll all be here to support you when you get back.

fertmom · 02-10-2005, 11:28 AM

Awww, I am so sorry to hear of Lua's health issues. How scary and frightening to see her like that! {{HUGS}} I think you would know if she was in any pain....she would be grumpy, hissy and sometimes they even scream so it seems to me she is not in any discomfort though I can imagine it would soon progress to that. What a difficult decision to make especially with her eating and drinking and seeming so happy otherwise.
Those little hedgies are so stoic and such a strong little girl Lua is. I don't think under those conditions that you waited too long. You gave her a loving happy home and now you are giving her freedom from pain. Sounds like just the right combination of love and concern to me.

I will be thinking of you both today.
Pepper had large neck and jaw tumors, but he went down hill so fast the decision was made for us. He passed away in his sleep before we could arrange to have him cross over with the vet.

Banshee · 02-10-2005, 11:48 AM

Please don't be so hard on yourself. It's so hard to know when it's best to keep fighting and when to let go, but I think you found the perfect balance. You allowed her to have a few more months of love and happiness, and now you know it's in her best interests to start her journey to the Bridge, so you're letting her go. You have nothing to regret and I think if Lua could speak, she'd tell you the same thing